Mommy My Butt is Cold

Yesterday LT bounced in my room proclaiming, “Mommy, my butt is cold!” I was working from home and had my head buried in the computer and said, “Well sweets, it is freezing today. Go get a thicker pair of pants.” As he left the room I looked up and saw that he had a perfectly round wet circle on the back of his pants.

Me: “Dude… why are your pants wet?”
LT: “I don’t know”
Me: “Did you spill a drink and sit in it?”
LT: “Noooo”
Me: “Did you potty on yourself?”
LT: “Noooo”
Me: “What happened then?”
LT: “I don’t knoooow”
Me: “Look homie, wetness doesn’t just appear out of thin air…”
LT: “Maybe it was maaaagic…”

Yeah. Right.

So because I don’t trust his three year old self as far as I can throw him, I got up and did the Mommy thing…. I picked him up and smelled his butt. No suspicious odors, plus he hasn’t had an accident in months and there was no potty down the front, so I was satisfied that he didn’t pee on himself. I went and checked his playroom next door and there were no wetspots anywhere. I thought it was kind of suspect, but I hunted everywhere to no avail for traces of liquid he could’ve gotten into. I reasoned he must’ve leaned up against some water somewhere. I directed him to go to his room and get another pair of underpants and pants and change into the dry clothes. (He’s gotten really independent lately and wants to dress himself.)

Later in the day he comes into the room and says, “Mommy I have ta show you sumpfing.” I raise a suspicous eyebrow as he comes over to me, turns around, bends over and drops his pants. He’s wearing two pair of underwear.

Me: “Ummm…what’s that for?”
LT: “My butt was still weeeally cold so I need more underwear on it”

Before I can uncrinkle my face and before LT can pull his pants back up, BT walks in the room looking bewildered as to why our son was practically mooning me. I explained the cold butt situation as well as the wet circle phenomenon.

BT looks at LT and says, “Did you stick your butt down in the toilet again?”
Me: “What the?!?”

LT breaks down in giggles, “Yeeeeeah!”

I. Am. Dumbfounded.

BT says, “Son, what have I told you? Keep your butt out of the toilet, that’s really gross.” Still laughing he replies, “But it weally fun tho. Try it… ya butt gets weeally cold!” BT can hardly contain his laughter as he says, “Dude. I’m NOT stickin’ my ass in the toilet. And I don’t care if it’s fun, don’t do it again….at least not while Mommy’s here…she might have a heart attack.”

He’s totally right. I can hardly contain myself thinking about LT putting his butt down in the toilet, thinking it’s fun. He’s gotten caught doing that before, but while sitting on the potty handling his business. He thought it was pretty clever that he could take a dump and then stick his hind end in the water to “wash da boo-boo off.” Needless to say, I was NOT pleased about that one either but it had happened so long ago that I totally forgot. I certainly didn’t think about him doing it for FUN, or the fact that it had apparently happened again and BT kept the secret.

Later, still befuddled by the whole butt in toilet thing, I said to him, “Baby. I know it may be kinda fun to put your butt in the toilet, but that is really nasty. That is where people go potty and boo-boo at. Please don’t do that again. Ever. With or without pants. NKay?”

He looks up at me with a concerned look and says, “But Mommy, how I’m gonna wash the farts off?” …. …..Excuse me? “I got to wash off the farts. But just the stinky ones.”

So the little monster thought he had to stick his arst in the toilet to “Wash off the farts”??!?

Sweet baby Jesus…. Please give me the strength….